Are you a cryer?

 

Where do you stand on crying?  Do you cry easily?  Or do you, like me, stuff your tears inside believing that you must stay strong?

 

Have you been ridiculed or criticized for crying in certain situations?  Do you fear tears?

 

I watch my boyfriend tear up when he is watching some shows, while I sit there dry-eyed.  I sonder what’s wrong with me.  I wonder if I can no longer feel compassion.   If I no longer care about others enough.  Am I selfish?  Self-centered?  A monster?

 

I know for the past 14 months I have stuffed a lot of emotions as I dealt with all the things going on with my house and having to live at my boyfriend’s place, in addition to dealing with my mom and her dementia.

 

I couldn’t allow myself to express or deal with all the frustrations – or sometimes I wasn’t permitted to do so.  I couldn’t fall apart or burst into tears as there would be “no point”.  It “wouldn’t accomplish anything”.

 

Does this ring any bells with you?

 

Why No Crying?

 

For years I have not cried.  When I was young and I cried my dad would tell me to stop crying or he’d give me something to cry about – usually the belt or strap on my bare legs.  When I was older and I cried at sad parts of movies I was ridiculed by my friends.

 

When I was married my husband would walk away from me if I started to cry.  I learned to hold in my tears.  When I saw the Titanic I didn’t shed a single tear.  I was prepared to cry.  I took a box of Kleenex, but nothing.

 

I didn’t cry when my husband patted me on the head after the birth of our third child and then walked out the door and went to his girlfriend’s.  I didn’t cry when I watched the plane leave taking my parents and my sister to England the week after my child was born while I went back to an empty house with my 6 year old, 4 year old and newborn.  Or when the water froze just after my husband left me again after we lost our house due to bankruptcy and moved to a new place in the country.

 

When I went through my divorce I didn’t want my kids to see me crying.  I didn’t want to upset them and so I held in my tears.  It’s been so many years now that I think I’ve forgotten how to cry.

 

I used to cry when the final runner would cross the finish line – proud of them for making it, but sad they were last.  Again I was ridiculed by those around me.

Learning to Cry Again

 

I’m currently reading Inner Simplicity – 100 ways to Regain your peace and  nourish your soul.  Today I read about crying.  (#84) The advice is to cry a lot – to cry every day for a month.  The suggestion is to watch some tear-jerker movies and start with fake tears if necessary, just like when you start with fake laughs and move on to real laughter.

 

I would feel silly doing this when anyone else is around, but now that I am back in my house, maybe I can give it a try.

If you have some suggestions for tear-jerker movies, let me know!!

Fran